Tariffs push Job’s Mob to double down on Indian production

The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple is scrambling to shift all US-bound iPhone assembly to India by 2026, as US tariff tantrums make China too hot to handle.

UBS and Gartner slash forecasts

Beancounters at UBS and Gartner have added up some numbers and divided by their shoe size and reduced their PC and smartphone market forecasts, citing “mounting pressures from trade tariffs and broader macroeconomic uncertainties” that will hammer consumer demand through 2026.

Trump screams extortion

The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple has been handed a €500 million ($570 million) slap by EU regulators, with Facebook flogger Meta coughing up €200 million, in the first real show of teeth under the bloc’s Digital Markets Act.

You can't say something is intelligent when it isn't 

The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple has quietly walked back its “available now” claim about its Apple Intelligence features after the National Advertising Division gave it a sharp nudge for being a bit too enthusiastic with the truth.

Seventh straight quarter of decline as punters pick cheaper gear

The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple is finding out the hard way that what goes up must come down—especially in China. Its shiny iPhones are still losing traction, with shipments dropping nine per cent in the first quarter of 2025.

2018 Intel holdout and ageing smartphone is now vintage 

The fruity cargo cult Apple has pushed two more products onto its growing list of near-dead gear with the iPhone 6s and the 2018 Mac mini, both now stamped as “vintage.”

Begins looking at your emails

The Fruity Cargo Cult Apple is pivoting toward customer data to sharpen its AI, a quiet admission that its current approach is not working.

 
Chinese brands blitz old guard

By late 2027 or early 2028, the planet will have more smartphones than people, and the industry's old titans are watching the tide turn.

Tariff panic sends iPhone punters scrambling

The cocaine nose jobs of Wall Street barely had time to flinch before punters started storming Job’s Mob’s stores, fearing price spikes after Donald [hamburger-eating surrender monkey] Trump’s latest tariff tantrum.

White House blames Apple

The White House points fingers at the Fruity Cargo Cult Apple's iPhone for the recent Signalgate debacle. Atlantic editor Jeffrey Goldberg was mistakenly added to a sensitive Signal group chat.